3 – NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS

“Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true,” the light continued. “There’s literally untold number of horrific fates that technically you’d have little to no say over.”

“Not helping,” I growled.

“Heck, I was reviewing the limited memory cells I have access to from previous cycles and found this amusing file on a Heboloxian chaser who made an appearance roughly three-hundred quinks ago. Poor schmuck was minding his own business at the start of Stage Five, taking the human equivalent of a smoke break, when bam! A giant grelk just fell of the sky and landed on him. Ker-splat! Talk about an embarrassing way to go.”

“I have absolutely no idea what you just said.”

“That’s okay, you will … metaphorically speaking anyway. I don’t think grelks are making an appearance this cycle. But I guess we’ll find out soon enough.”

Before I could respond, the ground once again began to rumble. I quickly turned, thinking that dinosaur was back, but there was thankfully no sign of the beast.

A few seconds passed, then the ground right next to me began to heave as something pushed its way out from below.

What now?

I jumped back, expecting … well, I’m not sure what I expected, only to realize it was a stone archway hewed from rock about two feet thick. It continued rising, throwing dirt left and right, until it was at a height of maybe eight feet. I tried looking through it but, rather than see the other side, all I saw was a glowing yellow light.

“Make that sooner than I thought,” the ghost light said. “Guess it’s time for all the chasers to gather.”

“There you go with that word again. What does it mean?”

“All will be revealed once you step through.”

I cocked my head. “You do realize how ominously nebulous that sounds, right?”

“I suppose.”

“And should I refuse to step through the mysterious devil gate?”

“Mysterious devil gate?” it replied, sounding amused. “Fascinating as I’m sure that would be, no. It’s merely a portal to the waypoint. Think of it like a holding pen for…”

“A holding pen?”

“Perhaps that’s the wrong term,” it added. “Allow me to rephrase. It’s more like … a waiting room, yeah that sounds less threatening. Regardless, it’s where you and the others will be given basic introductions before being given a chance to gear up for the Chase.”

“Which means…?”

The light let out what sounded like a sigh as it flitted toward the archway. I got the impression that if this thing had a head it would be inclining it that way as if to say, “go through and find out, stupid.”

“If it helps you make up your mind,” the ghost light continued, “this particular instance of the void will disperse in roughly thirty seconds.”

That didn’t sound promising. “And if I’m still here when that happens?”

“You’ll officially suffer a tier one expiration. The good news is tier one is the least severe premature exit from the Chase. The bad news is, you’ll be dead.”

“I see…” Looked like I didn’t have much choice in the matter.

“Fifteen seconds, chaser.”

“One more question, real quick. Why does it look like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like the fucking entrance to a medieval torture chamber?”

“Ah. I’m told that’s merely window dressing designed to coincide with this cycle’s version of the Chase. Now, if there’s nothing else… Three…two…”

I gritted my teeth and stepped through. I had no idea what was waiting on the other side but hopefully it was better than a tier one expiration.

***

Talk about the difference between night and day. For starters, the first thing I noticed was that the temperature had dropped a good twenty degrees. That alone was a relief. Too bad it seemed to be the only break I was getting.

Gone was the primeval jungle and in its place stood a massive colosseum, very much resembling the one in Rome. Wherever I was, it was big – stretching at least two football fields in every direction. I was standing on the arena floor with the ghost light thingy floating next to me.

The stadium’s seating was currently empty, but that didn’t mean we were alone. Far from it. There were other people here on the floor with us, a lot of them. Hell, the place was packed like a swap meet on Sunday.

The thing was, this wasn’t the typical assortment of Kyles and Karens you’d find at such an event. To say this was an eclectic bunch was an understatement.

In my immediately vicinity alone I spied an astronaut in full space gear, a police officer who looked straight out of the Keystone Cops, a medieval knight, a woman dressed like a 1930’s flapper, and what appeared to be several soldiers wearing gear from a variety of eras. There was one even wearing full-on Nazi regalia, save that it was bright yellow in color for some odd reason.

That was more than strange enough, but off to my right stood another woman. She had a pile of multi-hued hair upon her hair that seemed to change colors every few seconds. She had no eyebrows, wore garishly bright lipstick, and was wearing a dress that could best be described as Jane Jetson meets The Fifth Element.

Needless to say, I felt comically out of place standing there wearing business casual.

It wasn’t just people either. Every single one of them also appeared to have their own ghost lights floating nearby – FAST units I guess – almost all of them a different hue than the one that seemed intent on haranguing me.

Most of the people in sight seemed to be busy talking to their lights. The only problem was, I couldn’t understand any of them. It was like a tidal wave of different dialects and…

“Grulack!”

“Huh?” I turned at the sound of the gravelly voice, My eyes opened wide at the sight of a brutish looking fella whose nostrils were working overtime for some reason.

He was shorter than me, maybe five and a half feet tall, but built broadly like a linebacker. His arms, chest, and shoulders were all thick muscled beneath a coat of coarse black hair that seemed to cover his whole body. He wore nothing but a filthy loin cloth wrapped around his waist – one that clearly wasn’t doing its job as his dick was visible swinging in the breeze beneath.

“Grulack,” he repeated, his dull brown eyes glaring at me beneath a heavy brow.

“Forsinga kanaga,” the purple colored FAST floating next to him barked back.

“Grulack!” he cried again in the moment before he launched himself at me, mouth wide open – revealing a collection of broken and yellowed teeth that nonetheless seemed disturbingly sharp.

Jesus!

I screamed as I brought up my hands to protect myself, not that I thought I had any shot of fighting off this gorilla.

However, rather than be tackled off my feet, there came a sharp crack, a flash of red, and then the reject from Quest For Fire was flung backward to the ground.

He quickly recovered, looking up and growling at me – a sound that sent a chill down my spine every bit as much as that dinosaur had.

Before he could charge again, though, the purple light flitted in front of him and repeated, “Forsinga kanaga!” This time it sounded a lot more insistent.

After what felt like a small eternity, in which no small number of those around us began to stare, Nature Boy finally seemed to get the hint. He turned and loped off into the crowd.

“Serves you right, dickhead,” my FAST called after him. “Next time listen when you’re told that player versus player isn’t active yet.”

I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. “What the hell was that all about?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. That’s guy’s just a dope,” it replied. “Don’t worry about it.”

“That sure as hell didn’t seem like nothing to me.”

“He was hungry, that’s all.”

“Hungry? Do I look like I have a side of fries in my pocket or something?”

“Not exactly. You see, Borlack there…”

“Borlack?”

“That’s his name. Borlack the Trampler to be exact. He just happens to hail from a time before cannibalism was considered a social faux pas.”

“Wait. You mean he was going to eat me?”

“Not all of you. We’re about to get started, so there really isn’t time for a full three course meal.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“Not at all. That’s the PVP prevention shield’s job.”

“I don’t…”

“Shhh. It’s starting.”

“What’s starting?”

“Stop asking stupid questions and lift up your right hand over your head.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Just do it. It’ll all be clear in a moment.”

“No, I…”

However, my arm apparently had a mind of its own. It lifted skyward as if there was an invisible rope tied around my wrist and someone was reeling it in. What the?

At least I wasn’t alone in the weirdness. I saw the same damned thing happening to everyone around me. The only exception was a soldier in what appeared to be an off color confederate uniform. He was missing his right arm, so his left was dragged upward instead.

Before I could question what the hell was going on, my entire arm began to glow. I winced, feeling a static shock that seemed to travel down my body. Then, just as quickly as it had been snatched by an unseen force, my arm was released. I lowered it, noticing my forearm, from my wrist to about halfway to my elbow, was now encased in a tight-fitting, bronze-colored bracer.

From all around there came cries of surprise as everyone seemed to have been fitted with them. Unlike the assortment of FAST lights, however, they all appeared uniform in color and appearance. The only difference was their size, to accommodate the wide range of people present.

“Excellent,” my ghost light squealed. “Now they’ll activate everyone’s individual SKs and we can finally be underway.”

I felt a slight tingle from my arm as the bracer began to buzz like a cellphone. I’d assumed the device to be a solid piece of featureless metal, but I saw now that wasn’t the case as a long rectangular screen winked to life along the back of it. It glowed brightly as multiple unrecognizable characters floated across its length, making it look like a ridiculously oversized smart watch.

Okay, that was cute I suppose, but what was…?

“What is this devilry upon my person?”

“Is this … some kind of armor?”

“I demand to speak to whoever is in charge here. No, I will not calm down!”

I looked around, realizing that where before I’d heard innumerable languages being spoken, now it was all in perfectly understandable English.

“I know what you’re thinking, chaser,” my FAST unit said. “No, they’re not speaking your language, nor are you speaking theirs. It’s just one of the many perks conveyed by that SK on your arm.”

“SK?”

“Short for Sidekick. Don’t ask me why it’s called that. My guess is some marketing drone somewhere thought that was clever. Anyway, it’s syncing the language portion of your brain to match the other chasers here. Think of it like an advanced form of Google Translate, except you’re far less likely to accidentally tell someone you want to bang their grandmother.”

“Huh. I guess that’s kinda handy.”

“Oh, trust me, it is. There’s a good chance you will quite literally live or die depending on the alliances you can make here. That and focus group data has shown that attention spans tend to wane during extended sequences of chasers fumbling around trying to figure out what each other are saying. Save that crap for high school and Spanish II class I say.”

“Hold on. You said many perks. What else does this thing do?”

Before I could get a response, my ears caught the faint sound of cheering – rapidly growing in intensity until it was nearly deafening.

I saw nothing but confusion etched onto the faces of those nearest me. This wasn’t coming from any of them.

“And here we go,” the FAST said, it’s voice clearly audible above the din.

It was at that moment I realized I wasn’t hearing the commotion with my ears, but inside my mind.

The fuck?!

“Oh, by the way, before you freak out, it also installed a cortical upgrade so you can properly hear everything.”

A what?

I was still trying to process this new development when the air above us all began to shimmer, like how you might see over a hot grill. That’s when everything changed. One moment the stadium seats were empty. The next, they were packed to the brim with a menagerie of creatures – all of them screaming, hissing, or chittering their heads off.

The air continued to shimmer in front of them all, mercifully obscuring my view a bit, but I clearly made out enough to give me nightmares for years to come. I spied tentacles, antennae, metallic bodies, multiple heads, and more. It was as if H.R. Giger had been asked to design a Star Wars set.

“What the fuck is…?”

Whatever else I had to say was lost as a loud voice boomed out, overpowering even the cheering crowd.

“ENTITIES, ORGANISMS, AND MANIFESTATIONS OF ALL AGES! IT’S THE MOMENT YOU’VE BEEN WAITING ALL QUINK FOR! WELCOME TO ANOTHER CYCLE OF … TIME CHASERS!”